THE OPINIONATER: SHOW 17

SHOW 17: 19TH AUGUST

The couple in the front row look at me like they want me to die in a ditch. He is slightly more benevolent looking. He looks like he only wants me to die of natural causes in a ditch, whereas she looks like she wants me to be actively murdered in a ditch. I realise I have to get him on side first. I mis-identify a laugh in the third row as the laugh of a friend of mine. No such friend at the gig exists. Somebody has stolen her laugh. I perhaps play to that friend of mine too much trying to build the laughs from her. Accidentally cultivating a genuine member of the audience by mistake. It is all a bit hit and miss in the early stages of the show. I get the, loose them, get the, back. Empathy doesn’t build. I think my timings is all over the place. ‘Life is a waste’ is a particular slog. I think I will permanently loose them at ‘Where is Hitler’. It is ridiculous. Who doesn’t like Hitler anecdotes?

At around the 10 minute mark I am sweating profusely. The room is full and perhaps particularly humid but the sweat is lashing off my forehead. Perhaps I am working too hard but sweating is not a good look. At around 15 minutes I accidentally inhale a seed. I should explain I ate a Pret a Manger muesli thing before the show. It contained seeds. One was lodged in a molar without my knowledge. I take a large intake of breath and the seed flies into my throat and sticks there. I think it is a pumpkin seed but it maybe a sunflower one. For the next 10 minutes it wreaks havoc with my timing. I have this niggling tickle and it presents itself at the wrong moment when I am saying key words. I drink loads of water at this point to try and shift the seed. It does shift the seed but into a worse position in my throat. Now I have developed a cough that presents itself at inopportune moments. Occasionally I will attempt a strategic cough between jokes to try to cough on my terms and leave an interruption free minute ahead for routines.  This doesn’t really work. The cough keeps breaking for cover.  I drink more water. It still doesn’t shift it. The good news is that the sweating situation has stabilised. I have quaffed so much water that it has cooled me down. By ‘Gaytown’ lines are being sabotaged to the cough. It has now become a hacking cough. Actuality during ‘Hitler left wing/right wing’ the cough almost makes me pace it better but by the end of it my voice is starting to go. I stop and tell them what has happened. It helps break the ice. It turns out the woman in the second row is a doctor, I miss diagnose her for a man, more hilarity. The interaction builds goodwill and lets me reset a bit. I genuinely go blank at this moment for the first time this run. I keep wanting to go into ‘millennials’ but I know this isn’t the right bit, so I keep stalling, blaming the cough to buy me more thinking time. This also builds jeopardy. By now the cough has genuinely gone. Now that it’s become a feature. I now have to fake the cough until I remember that is ‘Better than you’ I can now play the German doctor in the routine off against the real doctor in the audience. 

I worked on the end of Animals prior to the show and it is now really going in a direction I want. I end on it. 

My favourite show of the run, not the best, but more of an event than any previous one. More of a sense of bespoke show for them (the audience) and starting to make the end into something. The second best bucket collection of the fringe. And also several walks outs but also walk ins so I am really starting to filter these fuckers (my audience). 

The die in a ditch couple still look at me like they want me to die in a ditch. They put in £1.50 in between them. They still want me to die in a ditch. 

I think I might fake a medical emergency in the future to help build rapport.

Lessons:

1. I need to play with this show more. So when I get traction on a section just keep pushing it to see how far I can go. 
2. Pretend the audience are your friend even when they aren’t. 

THE OPINIONATER: SHOW 16

SHOW 16: 18TH AUGUST

Before Show

The sheer incompetence of Edinburgh baristas continues to impress me. Last week I was served by a man who admitted that he had little-to-no training, apologised in advance saying that the coffee would “probably be shit” and deliberately undercharged me by way of prior in-built compensation. He now stands as a beacon to the halcyon days of customer service. We will never see his like again. By week three the quality of service has now gone off a cliff edge. The woman serving me today is so slow it has become performance art. I hang about, kind of intrigued to see if she will ever actually serve me. There is something hypnotic in her slowness. My potential coffee recedes further off into the distance. She is confused by how much change I am owed (25 pence) and how this will be composed (one twenty pence piece and one five pence piece). She hands over the coffee but looks traumatised. I finally get a coffee 20 minutes before the show but as I have to set up the room I don’t have much time to imbibe any coffee until about five minutes to go. 

When I open the house there is an audience stampede like the opening of the January sales. The rush physically forces me back into the room. I would like to think that this signifies a craze to get hold of genuine Stephen Carlin at discounted prices but I suspected the Saturday madness has led to a breakdown in queue discipline. A couple bring in a toddler in a pushchair. I explain it is probably not suitable for their kid. They insist on staying even as I tell them I am worried I will bend their child’s mind. They look worried but stay out of defiance. 

During Show

A double edged sword of a gig. A very full room but necessarily the ideal audience. The room is fuller than it ever has been. People are standing. It no doubt exceeds fire regulations. There is little natural energy in the room. The audience look normal enough but they don’t feel normal. They are not particularly responsive off the top. It is hot. They may be boozed up. They may not be comedy regulars. It may be me. I perhaps should have done crowd work at the start. But this would be against my self imposed rule and I refrain from doing so. I hope they will pick as I go on but they feel sluggish today. 

I start sweating at around ten minute mark, I think it is the heat and not pressure. 

I really feel the caffeine kick in at about the 15 minutes mark. I suddenly feel sharper, more focused, taller, more purposeful, the delivery sounds sharper but perhaps the caffeine has done something to my ears? 

I chop and change orders today to try to get momentum going but it doesn’t make much difference. 

There are moments when I pull the delivery back and it gets a little traction but I am also worried that taking it down too much will cause it to dwindle. There are times when I wait for them and they come but by God they are so slow, they are like the girl serving me coffee, I could wait all day for them. What is the answer?

I can’t really pick it up today. They are with me to the end, except the people who walk out at the back and then start chatting in the adjoining room.

I should have ended on Animals today. I do a truncated form of Vegetarians after it but why I do this we do not know. 

After Show

I am control today but don’t enjoy it much. I think I lean in too much today, go after them too much, over perform, try to inject too much energy. I should have sat back more, took longer, lowered my energy, let them come to me. It may not have worked but at least I could have experimented on them. From now on I think I am going to  use difficult audiences for guinea pigs. If they are not going to enjoy it I may as well get useful data out of them that I can use on better future audiences. 

THE OPINIONATER: SHOW 15

SHOW 15: 17TH AUGUST

Before Show. 

I must be due a bad one. Surely the odds are on it happening. The sheer stupidity of the whole enterprise - trying to keep a room full of strangers entertained for an hour with nothing but words and faces - comes home to me now. Perhaps it will just go badly tonight? And I feel very relaxed before the show too with this thought. There is no steeling myself or trying to get myself in the zone or psyching myself up. Just pure unadulterated fatalism. I assume that either it will or will not flow when the time comes. 

I have decided to stick to the revised running order from last night. As I feel it deserves 

During Show

The room is full save for three seats at the front. The empty seats are off to one side. 

The fengshui is so bad. It is just so awful it really bugs me. There is an older couple, next to the gap, who seem like seasoned theatre types. There is a grand austerity about them, a distilled judgementalness. The stage light catches their faces and they look like studio portraits, peering up in black and white and staring all still at me like they want a part in King Lear. I walk on very natural and less performed than usual. The reception is warm but low energy at this stage. I usually put the mic stand to my left, I cannot tonight for some reason. There is some blockage near the stage, some person, or piece of furniture, or some thing in the way, I cannot remember. I have to stick the mic stand to my right and I am not really thinking about what I am going to say too much but will run into my opening gambit and see what happens. 

I just think slow at this stage. I think slow and don’t rush it and I often do rush it when I listen back to the tape. And my concentration is not great at the start, I am not remembering it easily and just saying the wrong things at times. I actually mess up a punchline during ‘More Friendly Than I Look’ to say the opposite of what I mean substituting “more” for “less” thus actually making literally no sense and still landing the punchline. The opening minutes are clunky but landing the punchlines. After about 5-7 minutes a young couple come in who fill up the empty chairs and this allows me to chat to them a bit and just break the ice that bit more and they are up for it and fun. I feel really relaxed in the space but also not relaxed, also like a tiger stuck in a small zoo. Stage too small. 

First round of applause at ‘Life is a Waste’ get some bits of this in the wrong order but actually this doesn’t matter. ‘Sex Education’ comes too early before ‘Where is Hitler’ but maybe that is a better order. I think by now I know this is going to be the best gig of the run, this will only be a gig I can throw away from here. I really enjoy ‘Better than you’ tonight. I just seem to hit the tone of it right off the top and I am constantly thinking what am I trying to say to the audience? The show sometimes takes a hit here because if the tone is wrong they think I am a prick. But I am realising how much this material relies on getting the tone right. 

From here on in I am plagued by the notion that I am ahead of where I should be and have missed a section. But this is just a trick of the mind brought on by endless changing of order. 

I enjoy “Millennials’ most of all and really playing off the audience today. Making it about them and they take it. It is only here that my performance is correct, smooth and controlled and natural but now I worry that I am only doing this correct because my energy levels are about to plummeting through the floor.

The energy starts to drop through “Animals’ and I am not quite landing the punchline. But I get a round of applause at the very end!! I could have ended here. But I go into ‘Gay Town’ and I worry that it doesn’t quite build as it does if places at earlier point. It goes well and ends strong but I wonder if it would do so well on a tougher day and whether I should end on this.

After Show. 

Some great individual moments of playful silliness tonight. Felt like when you are in a club and they are into it and you can play about with a well honed bit of material. Felt like that at times and that feeling surprised me because I am discovering the material that I have written and finding out what I actually think about it and I am often surprised by what my routines are actually about. They are not 

The warmest reception I have had from the audience. The highest bucket of the run. Everyone insists on shaking my hand. A fringe anorak insists on telling me how many shows he has seen during this fringe and how relatively good my show is to the mean average. 

THE OPINIONATER: SHOW 14

SHOW 14: 16TH AUGUST

“A riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma.” Winston Churchill once famously said of this Edinburgh show. The more familiar I get with this show, the more it gets away from me. The more I work out what it is about the more I don’t know. Time seems to have a mind of its own too. It doesn’t matter what cuts or alterations I affect the show always comes in at the same time. So having cut out ‘Vegetarian’ since yesterday, the show is now exactly the same length as it was before. Perhaps I could cut out all the routines and it would still be an hour long? 

It seems to ebb and flow to its own rhythm.  I am noticing that I have a greater ability to get momentum going this year but not necessarily to maintain that momentum for the entirety of the show. I can also adjust delivery earlier on and correct mistakes although later on this would seem to evade me. This gets annoying  at around the 45 minutes mark. It is a cliche that the audience dips at this time but that is probably bollocks as far as I am concerned. It is more likely that the comedian dips at this point. So perhaps it is pointless to play around with  the structure and instead focus on the performance. Having jostled round the order as per yesterdays blog the show had the same shape and energy. This is galling because today I ended on what I regarded as the strongest routine “Gaytown’ but to muted response. I don’t know why this is? It is either the energy of performance is dropping or they are getting confused with the narrative of material or I am alienating them at some point. Possibly ‘Millennials’ which went well and was particularly appreciated by millennials but I certain routines changed the dynamic. Actually ‘Better than you’ maybe the crux of the issue? It changes my relationship vis-a-vis the audience in some way. There is a glorious conceited arrogance to it that naturally I am in favour of but perhaps there is not enough of a nod to humility in it? The whole show seems to be more “emotionally dependent” this year in terms of landing the routines. Of getting into them with the right emotion, of pitching it to that particular audience and of building it to a crescendo. 

To be fair some of the transitions were botched as I was doing them for the first time ever today and this perhaps hit the energy too. 

Still enjoying this show and it certainly hasn’t got stuck in a rut. Everyday there feels like some else to fight for. I met somebody who told me I was the “freshest faced comedian “ he had met at the fringe today. How many faces has he seen? I do have a certain buoyancy and love of this show coupled with a ongoing frustration with it. It has a certain irascible quality. I think back to the original order tomorrow then. 

THE OPINIONATER: SHOW 13

SHOW 13: 15TH AUGUST 

Before Show

Edinburgh Fringe Part 2: What a difference one day off makes. In the comedy boot camp that is the Edinburgh Fringe, one day off feels like a fortnight off in the real world. I am already hazy about what my show is, vague about what I am supposed to say. I do not overly worry myself with this for I realise it is a trick of the mind. I focus on facial and vocal exercises before the show. I do stupid voices, I try to maintain my silly, I experiment with different accents during the sound check. I plan to introduce myself in a silly voice from the off stage mic. I veto this idea because about one in ten times I accidentally lapse into a Chinese accent and that would be to give a false impression of the show. 

During Show

The first half of the show largely goes well, not without it blemishes but overall, it has a momentum up to ‘Life is a Waste’. Strangely ‘Gay Town’ does not land as well today and this has been the show banker really. It works but it is a struggle to keep them on board. I am on uneven ground throughout. It keeps me in the moment, with me constantly trying to feel it out, but I would prefer if they just excepted it was good - it would do wonders for my stress levels.  Quite a young crowd today though so they may not be as sure where I am going with it. 

‘Hitler Left wing Right Wing’ goes well, the cleanest version of it so far in terms of clarity. Millennials goes well - especially with the millennials in the audience strangely enough. And this is the problem with this generation. Even when you are lambasting them, they are so self-aware and well-adjusted that they agree with your criticism in an open-minded fashion. It is enough to make you sick. Strangely it is the older lot, the Baby Boomers, who largely emerge scot free from this broadside - other than me occasionally wishing they were all dead - who get offended! I can’t even insult people when I wish to and still insult people when I don’t want to!

‘Better than You’ is the start of the decline and the early promises of the gig never quite recovers from it. ‘Animals’ has its moments but the energy has largely gone: either in me or the audience. ‘Vegetarians’ is a anticlimax at the end. 

I feel I have left the audience more confused today than ever before- an achievement of sorts. They feel that the ending was not an ending. They are coming up to me after the show to offer me explanations. Blaming the heat of the room, blaming the time of day “It would be better if people were drunk”. They clearly know something wasn’t right but strangely aren’t blaming me. Is this progress? Did I look so utterly in command today that anything going awry couldn’t have possibly been my fault? Why has it taken me so long to develop this skill? And how can I use this ability in other areas of my life? Questions, questions. 

After Show

At last. I now know how to do this show. I have been doing it in the wrong order all along! If you have already seen this show come back and see it again. I have fixed it in my head now. It should be LIFE IS A WASTE, BETTER THAN YOU, BEAUTIFUL GIRL, MILLENNIALS, HAVING A HARD TIME, ANIMALS and finish on GAY TOWN. Cut VEGETARIAN altogether. This doesn’t really fit in with the show and with if left in the whole show takes up the full hour and gives me no time to play. I want to play with it more specifically at UFOs, ANIMALS HAVING A HARD TIME, ANTHROPOMORPHISING.   

I now see a lot of possibilities for this show heading into the second half of the run. Excited. Looking forward to doing it tomorrow. Will update further then. Over and out. 

THE OPINIONATER: DAY OFF

DAY OFF 14TH AUGUST 

No show today. I am exactly half way through the run. Twelve shows done, twelve shows to go. I am very happy with the progress of the show in the first half of the run. The material is largely the same as the first show. Some routines have been dropped, some have been inserted, some have been invented, some have been truncated, some have been lengthened, punchlines have been added, punchlines have been cut. What has changed most is my knowledge of the show, not just knowing the words, but knowing what the routines are actually about and how I can pitch the performance for maximum effect. The last week has largely been about melding it into a “show” rather than a series of routines. Getting the right emotion going into each routine has been important. That I seriously thought about quitting after show number 5 now seems far away and highly ridiculous but it was heartfelt at the time.

So I am very excited about the potential of the show in the next 12 days, where I can take it next, how I can develop it and how I can push myself. This is balanced against the knowledge of finite energy. My concentration was already starting to fray in yesterdays show, so I hope after today’s break I can be back on top of my game. But ultimately as the fringe heads into the last week, energy levels will start to suffer and it will be difficult to stay on top of every facet of performance.

The best routines are ‘Gay town’ and ‘Life is a Waste’ and if I could get everything up to that level that would make it quite a show.

It may seem obvious but I constantly have to remind myself that every show is a different audience. The audience doesn’t have knowledge of the previous shows. The walls of the room don’t have any memory either. Every night I start again from scratch with a different bunch of people and every night I build something new. Every night I am dealt a different hand. Some audiences just have more potential than others, some have lower energy, are less elastic in terms of trust and some are just less into what I do than others. The fact that I perform in the same physical space for a month creates the illusion of linearity but there is no linearity between the shows other than my gaining in experience every night. So I have to do the best with the unique circumstances of every single night. I don’t think I really understood that before. 

That has also taken pressure off me. I used to think of it more in terms of sitting an examine every day and if you passed it your reward was to come back and sit a different exam paper the next day and so on for a month. I think my new way of looking at it is better. I also believe I am more mentally unstable at this fringe than in previous fringes (since 2007) and this may/may not be adding to the performance. In my defence I think everyone is going crazy this year. Today in west Edinburgh I got into a George Costanza type stand-off when I refused to move my car to let a woman reverse her car. My car was parked properly and she had adequate room to get out so I didn’t feel obliged to move. Her husband didn’t see it that way. Needless to say the whole thing escalated. I would usually have been on stage at the time. Just saying. 

THE OPINIONATER: SHOW 12

SHOW 12: 13TH AUGUST 

Before Show

I have a small spot by the edge of my nostril. It is imperceptible to audiences. There is nothing I can do about it. It is just there. I can feel it’s presence all the time. I have lost my rail travel card I attempt to get a replacement at the train station. It takes over thirty minutes of looking up computers and filling in forms by the ticket office bod. God I love a bit of bureaucracy. It is like communist Russia. 

I arrive at the venue while the previous show is still on. A father and son are so keen to come to see me that they try and enter while the previous show is still running.  It does look like it will be a small audience today. Only four people in the front row (including the father and son). Then a group of four come and occupy the very back row. They are so back row they are almost out of the room. It is a stupid choice of seat given the space available. I envisage playing to an audience with only a back and front row and nothing in between. There is something comical about that prospect. I ask them to move forward they decline. They are idiots. 

With five minutes to go the audience fills up. My dream/dread of a front row/back row scenario is avoided. 

During Show

It is evident from early on that (a) the audience are onside (b) it will all be OK (c) that I am a bit all over the place. I have passed a certain level of tiredness akin to drink or drug intoxication. My day off is tomorrow and perhaps I am slacking off as I approach half time. I feel intoxicated on stage. Perhaps this is how Doug Stanhope feels all the time? Maybe I should try actually being drunk on stage? Trouble is I actually am sober so I just notice all the blemishes. Diction is bad today. Articulation is not clear. Volume control is either dead loud or quiet. Not landing the end of routines. There are a few individual moments where I deliver certain individual bits better than I have done before. This invariably happens when I am able to inject the appropriate emotion. Can’t think what they were off hand but I remember thinking at bits “Oh that was good. Remember what that bit was and how you done it” - I can’t. 

Animals - I am not happy with this routine in general and specifically not today. Bad, bad bad!!! I really feel I was testing their patience at this juncture. 

Feel I am forcing it a bit today. I should have sit back more. Actually when I ease off the gas it builds the energy. This happens at Vegetarians right at the end. I pace it right and the energy builds effortlessly which is better than me knocking my pan in for less. 

After Show. 

Another very enjoyable show today but a less perfect performance than yesterday. Mid-Edinburgh tiredness was starting to creep in. I think the audience were willing me to be better than I was. I have a day off tomorrow. I could do with it. I couldn’t quite gauge myself today and as a result the performance was erratic. Constantly overshooting or undershooting where I wanted to be. I couldn’t make myself do what I wanted to do. A spirited performance and one hopefully tailored to this audience, to be admired more for its joie de vivre than its technical brilliance. I enjoyed it though. It felt like I was wrestling with a beast. The show had a life of its own. I couldn’t tame it. I like that. I don’t think it is meant to be that way though.