Archive - 15th Jan 2013 - The Stand Glasgow

Show Report Tuesday 15^th January 2013

The Stand Comedy Club – Glasgow

Before Show

Red Raw is the name of the new act night at the Stand Comedy Clubs. It is the first rung on the ladder for aspiring new comedians north of the border. Every comedian from Scotland has played Red Raw. Kevin Bridges has played Red Raw. Daniel Sloss has played Red Raw.  Everybody that has ever done comedy in Scotland has played Red Raw. I have never played Red Raw. I missed out on earning my Red Raw stripes because I started stand up comedy in London.

Tonight however, I am putting that right. I am playing Red Raw in Glasgow for the first time.  Ahead of a weekend of gigs at the Stand in Edinburgh I want to try out new material. Although Red Raw is technically a show for newer acts, more experienced acts frequently use it to try out new material. Basically it’s where less experienced acts can pitch their best material against more experienced acts doing new stuff in the hope that that provides some kind of level playing field.

I am pretty relaxed tonight. I don’t need to worry. I know it is the first time I have played this gig but seriously I probably have more experience than all the other acts on the bill added together. And how many people will there be in the audience anyway? Fifty if you’re lucky. How many people come to watch a new act night? Maybe forty. And it is a Tuesday night and the entry fee is £2 (£1 for students) so what the hell can the audience be expecting? – all thirty of them.  I have nothing to worry about. I don’t mean to be complacent but this is going to be easy. I just have to remember what I want to say and hold my nerve if something doesn’t work. Just stare them down. Tuesday night audiences are easy to bully. They’re not like the feral bastards you get on Friday nights. If something doesn’t work, dare them not to like it. There won’t be that many of them anyway. Twenty tops. This is going to be a stress free experience. I don’t want to conjure up phrases involving “walk” and “park” but this is how I’m feeling.

I arrive at the Glasgow Stand. The place is rammed. The sign says sold out. I have trouble getting in the door. It is standing room only. There must be 250 people in the place and there is an energy and excitement that doesn’t say Tuesday night to me. How the hell can this have happened? “Frankie’s on” a member of staff informs me. “Frankie’s doing some new stuff” mutters a comedian. Somebody else just says “Frankie” by way of an explanation. Frankie of course is Frankie Boyle, who has now ascended to the level of single name celebrity status like Madonna or Kylie. He is just “Frankie”. I don’t think I can ever be “Stephen”  there are too many of us.

Big name acts invariably keep it secret when they drop into to try out new material but word always leaks out.  This audience are here for Frankie Boyle.

“You’re on next Stephen”

“Next? What do you mean next?”

“You were told to be here for 9.30 right?”

“Yes so naturally I assume that meant I wasn’t on till at least 10 O’clock. You never tell a comedian to be there for the right time.”

“Why not?”

“Because of the buffer zone”

“What buffer zone?”

“The buffer zone. It is a thing in comedy. You tell comedians to be there earlier than you actually need them.”

“I have never heard of that.”

“It’s universal.

“Well I have never heard of it. Have you guys heard of the buffer zone?”

“It doesn’t matter whether they guys have heard of the buffer zone. You can’t take a vote on it. It’s not a matter of opinion. It’s a matter of indisputable fact like gravity or gamma rays.”

“Well you’re on now.”

Great! I am on now. I haven’t had enough time to mentally prepare. This is bullshit. Telling me to be here for the right time. There are too many people here too. Why didn’t they tell me it would be rammed? They didn’t tell me it wouldn’t be but I think there was an unspoken understanding. I didn’t prepare for 250 people in my head. I need to recalibrate. I don’t have time to recalibrate. They’ll want polished routines. I don’t have polished routines. They’ll want people off of the telly. I’m not off of the telly. I have new stuff that is patchy. They’ll hate this. Maybe they will love this. Don’t judge them Stephen. Why not? They can judge me. Two can play at that game. I can’t remember the new stuff in detail.

During Gig

I tend to bookend the new material with tried and tested stuff. Opening and closing with an old joke but ironically tonight the tried and tested stuff works least well.

I do some new material about speaking to ugly people on twitter. It seems a bit harsh the way I set it up and I realize as I’m saying it the middle should really be the beginning of the routine. I am getting into it all wrong. There is good comedy in there but that routine is all arse about face. This happens a lot. Routines can have messy births and come out in the wrong order. But lesson learned. I will rewrite it for the next time.

I feel things really pick up when I am talking about gambling and I hit my stride. This is the advantage of talking about a subject I have researched thoroughly. I ask a rhetorical question about playing the lottery and a woman answers me explaining something about some accountants she knows who are rich. She has a very husky voice.  I hone in on this. I tell her she has a sexy voice and I like it very much. Her husband pipes up saying that was one of the major attractions. They seem a lot of fun and under normal circumstances I would pursue this line of enquiry further. But I only have ten minutes and I really want to get through this new stuff. I have to close them down. I pretty much say what I did just say, namely that I don’t have time and ordinarily we would be bantering like nobody’s business. This supplies a big laugh. What the fuck? I was saying a fact. Not a joke. Maybe the truth is always funny. I get about 90% of the way through the gambling stuff and I forget the end of the routine. The end is invariably the best bit. I can’t remember it. I try to tread water for a few seconds hoping it will leap back into my brain, but it won’t come. I tell the audience that I can’t remember the end and they don’t laugh at this. Now they hate the truth. I tell them they should like my confession because it is the truth but they still don’t like that- and that was the truth. Then I remember the end and I do the ending and the audience go with it and like it. The ending material isn’t even based on fact. It is made up. Now the audience like lies. There moral compass is all over the place.

I do some material about American gun sprees but I won’t say anything on it here. I don’t have time. I don’t want to talk about it but in a neutral way. Nothing bad happened I just don’t wish to talk about.

After Gig

The woman with the sexy voice approaches me after the gig. She wants a photograph with her and her friends. She is a very amusing and chatty. She is good fun to chat to. I know she would have been great to banter with on stage. She casually informs me that her voice is the result of treatment for throat cancer. I apologise to her for any offence I could have caused but she bats the apology away. She’s glad I like her voice and says rather flippantly “at least something good has come out of the cancer.” 

I admire this woman. Many times people in audiences have taken offence at what I consider to be nothing – particularly when they are offended on behalf of other people. “Oh you can’t say that” etc. And yet she had grounds to be upset or offended but isn’t and accepts the comments in the spirit in which they were intended. She also mentioned the cancer to me off stage because she knew that mentioning it during the show would screw me up. See I knew she was a great heckler. She promises to come and watch me again. I hope she does and I hope she heckles me too.