Behind the Fringe - Edinburgh Festival Series 3

Edinburgh Festival Series 3

Edinburgh Preview Margate

Friday 23^rd June 2013

16:30 hrs

The Edinburgh festival is fast approaching and I need stage time to try out new material. Stage time is at a premium at the moment. I need stage time the way a junky needs 40 pence for a cup of tea. Tonight I am in Margate, Kent previewing my Edinburgh show. It is Friday night and I have to cross from one side of London to the other. I have left in plenty of time - you know what traffic can be like on a Friday. I don’t want to be late. I want to be early. I want to arrive early and sit in the dressing room a cup of tea or a can of coke (I’ll play it by ear) and read my notes. I want to run through my notes before hand and then go on stage and look all spontaneous. If I am early enough I may even have a nap before I check my notes. I hate rushing in at the last minute and going straight on stage, especially when I am driving. There is nothing worse than going on stage with a driving head on. I like to go stage with a gig head on and I need a transition period. An artistic crysallis if you like. 

17:20 hrs

I am driving around London on the M25: only a lunatic would try and go through the middle of London on a Friday evening. Don’t go through the middle, no, you want to go around the edge. Zoom round the outside and zoom down the A2 and there you are there. Nice and early. Nap. Tea. Notes. Gig. Lovely. I am zooming around the M25. Actually I am crawling but that is only a temporary set back in an otherwise flawless plan. Soon I will be past Heathrow Airport and things will pick up you’ll see.

18:35 hrs

I am now past Heathrow Airport and things should pick up shortly. At the moment average speed is 5mph. That is all these bastards heading down to the M3. Once we past the M3 junction and we loose these M3 bastards then we’ll see who’s going at 5mph. I hate going at 5mph. It’s virtually being stopped but not quite so I can’t read my notes while I drive.  I am still going at 5mph. I think I will forget about that nap. I think that’s a luxury I can do without. I left early exactly to accomadate delays like this. Genius.

19.55 hrs

I am past the M3 junction and all the bastards going to the M3 have left the M25 and there are still loads of other bastards on this road, getting in my way stopping me from going fast.  Where are they coming from these other drivers? I need to get to this gig. Edinburgh is fast approaching. I need to try out this new show. What I don’t need is to still be on the M25. What I don’t need is to keep changing lanes and find that it doesn’t matter which one I choose because they are all as slow as each other anyway. I cannot be on this road all day. I need to be in Margate trying out my show. I need to be in Margate reading my notes before I go on stage. I can’t go on stage without reading my notes the I will genuinely have to ad lib and no one wants that.

20.40 hrs

Eventually! At last.  I see the cause of all the delay: A burnt out truck sitting on the hard shoulder. It is no longer on fire so I can’t even enjoy the spectacle of it burning. It’s just a blackened shell that’s been holding me up for hours. I have nothing but contempt for this lorry. No, actually I feel pity for it. Pity for its sad pathetic indulgent behaviour. It’s selfish attitude. There even appears to be an air of arrogance of it as I drive past it but I may have imagined it. I am on stage in an hour and twenty minutes. I hope I have time for that cup of tea. I must make it to this gig.   At last the traffic is moving. I speed up to 80mph. My troubles are over.

2050 hrs

Roadworks now and  temporary speed restrictions and  average speed cameras.

That’s it. I am not going to be early now. I am going to be on time now That is the last thing I wanted. I don’t want to walk straight out of my car and straight on stage. . I better phone the venue and let them know I will be on time.

 “Hello it’s Stephen Carlin…the comedian…I am on at your venue tonight…well I am running late… I will be with you on time …sorry for the innconvieiennce.” I don’t have time to look at my notes. But I can think about them as I drive. I try to think about my notes but I cannot remember much about them. That is why there were written down in the first place because the information is not in my head. Shit!

2110 hrs

The roadworks finish but still the M25 goes on. It goes on and on and on. I haven’t even hit the A2 yet. How long does the M25 go on for anyway? Technically forever obviously, but you know what I mean. I think I will be slightly late. This is definitely the last thing I wanted. Deep breath. It’s OK I will be 15 minutes late I can handle that. So long as the gig goes ahead. I need it to go ahead. I need to practice my Edinburgh Show. This gig must go ahead at all costs.

21.30 hrs

I should be on stage now. I am at Dartford. I finally leave the M25. I think I can do this in half an hour if I drive extremely fast. I drive 99mph. I don’t want to do 100mph because if you get caught doing 100mph that is it: an instant ban. I don’t want a ban, I just want penalty points. I better phone the venue. “It is Stephen Carlin here. I am running late. I will be half an hour late. But don’t worry I am driving at 99mph.” I don’t explain the significance of the 99mph and he doesn’t ask. This gig must happen, failure is not an option… what if failure is an option? Don’t think like that stay positive. This gig must go ahead  keep driving. Make it happen.

22:00 hrs

The venue phones me back, the audience are wanting to leave apparently. “Well make them stay … I am busting my gut here… doing 99mph… just tell them that”. This audience can’t bail on me now. I pass a sign that says Margate 58 miles. Good. I think I can do this in half an hour now and I will only be one hour late.

22.05hrs

The venue phones again. The audience have all left. Well fuck them. I am driving at 99mph for nothing. The gig slips away from my grasp.  I will get to the Edinburgh festival unprepared now. It doesn’t matter how prepared I am. I will always be one preview behind. This audience have stolen a bit of my show. This must never happen again.