Edinburgh Festival - 25th August 2013

25th August 2013  Pleasance Court Yard 

23rd show in the run (2nd last)

Length 50 minutes

I consider myself a professional. I don’t believe in being a diva or indulging my petty moods or whims. Audiences can be tough, skeptical, cold, lacking in energy. Audiences can not warm to me and sometimes they can instantly hate me on sight. Sometimes they do not share my humour or are puzzled or perplexed or unamused or want me to fuck off instantly. Sometimes they may want me to die in a ditch. All these responses are legitimate and exist within the gamut of acceptable audiences reactions. This is all grist to the mill to a comedian. It is part of the job. There is nothing more satisfying than winning around a skeptical audience. Sometimes the gigs I am most proud of are not the ones that went the best or had the most laughter but the gigs where I made the best of a trying situation. sometimes I sense a difficult audience from the off and think “this is going to be work” but I don’t shirk away from it. I do not expect gigs to be handed to me on a plate. I am a professional and I believe that the show must go on almost at any cost. I do not believe in giving up or walking away but tonight I should have given up and walked away. I have done approximately 2500 gigs and have never faced tonight’s situation before. 

A live performance does not just involve an isolated performance on stage,  a live performance exists between the performer and the audience. There is a dialogue between audience and performer. Even if they are not actually talking or laughing. There is body language there is an energy. The man staring daggers is in a dialogue. The women who looks at her watch and won't make eye contact is in a dialogue. The man who sits with his hands folded and a permanent scowl on his face for an entire hour is still in a dialogue with the comedian. Believe it or not he is giving something to the comedian. Comedians sometimes claim “that audience gave me nothing” this is invariably untrue. It is just that they didn’t give them what they wanted. 

Tonight’s audience are giving me nothing. They have breached new levels of zen nothingness. I am well versed in the audiences who won’t speak or respond to a question but there is invariably some twitch of the mouth, some glint in eye, some fidget of their hand to indicate that their brain is at least processing what is going on. On some level of body language there is always a response. There is always a dialogue going on. 

Tonight there is no dialogue going on. Tonight it is zombie central.   

I introduce myself on the offstage microphone. “Please welcome to the stage Stephen Carlin.” Nothing. 

No applause. Nothing.

This has never happened at any show I have ever done at any Edinburgh Festival show, ever but it is happening tonight, 

I take to the stage. “Good Evening” Nothing. 

“How are we?” Nothing. 

“Can you talk to me?” Nothing. 

“Welcome to Gambling Man. Give me a cheer if you gamble.” Three people at the back row cheer. 

“Give me a cheer if you Don’t Gamble” This always gets a big response. Nothing. 

“I think there is some people not voting here. Come on if you don’t gamble give me a cheer.” Nothing. 

“I think some people are abstaining here. Have you spoilt your ballot.” Nothing. 

No sound. No modicum of movement from the two front rows to even suggest I have stepped on stage. They stare ahead like the undead. 

Nothing in my career as a comedian had prepared me for this, nothing in my experience as a human being has prepared me for this either. Two thoughts pass through my mind.   1. I have become a ghost. Or  2. The audience are doing this on purpose as part of some weird social experiment. 

And here I should have ended the gig...

and walked off. 

I have never experienced such a non response, ambivalence would have been a God send. But I don’t walk off, I carry on. Tonight I am truly disgusted by my professionalism. I should have walked off 

or deconstructed the gig, 

or driven it into the ground

or provoked walkouts. A car crash would have been better than this. 

I should have walked off and told the audience to get their money back. Audiences have a duty to bring something to the gig, even if it is only indifference, 

hatred

or an different expectation of comedy.