What do football managers tell their teams at half time? How do they motivate them? What happens when you are your own football manager? Do I swear at myself or offer words of encouragement? It is impossible to surprise myself because I already know what I think. Sometimes I wish I was schizophrenic so I could blind side myself with some new angle, like that guy out of Fight Club.
Today is the day after my day off. This is the start of the second half. Unfortunately the last show of the first half ended on a low point and psychologically that is somehow worse than if it had been on other night. Today I am rested from my day off. I have worked hard on both finessing the material and the performance. I am determined to turn this around and move on from the debacle of Sunday.
The opening is solid and I find my rhythm easily. I am really enjoying the opening 10 minutes. If I can carry this energy through it is going to be a good show. However the show feels like a collection of routines rather than a single show and the transitions between routines are noticeable. As a result the momentum doesn’t build. It is not the easiest room to maintain momentum any way so one foot wrong and I really pay for it. The lack of finesse in the transitions really shows tonight. The problem areas continue to be the problem areas. Don’t say I am not consistent. “Marijuana” “Vodka Girl” “Teddy Bear Girl” “Trump” As a result the show flags in the last twenty minutes. Despite the stronger start this show ends on a mediocre.
There is not too much wrong tonight just not too much right either. There is something naggingly disappointing about this show. It feels less than the sum of its parts. I am really done with this show now.
Tonight is the half way stage of the festival. I have now performed 12 shows and I have 12 shows to go. I really feel like canning this show. Just scrapping the whole lot and doing last years show instead. Tonight wasn’t even a bad show but I think that makes it all the more frustrating. I don’t think I have ever fully understood the notion of banging your head off a brick wall until now.
I worked hard on the show on my day off and today was a fair audience. I came back from my day off determined to take this show onwards and upwards and despite all the work and having a decent audience. It was just average. In a way that was more demoralising than having a bad show because I now feel if this show cannot fly on a fair night when is it ever going to fly? I phone my director. We argue about this. The work I have put in does not seem to be paying dividends.