THE OPINIONATER: SHOW 5

SHOW 5: 6TH AUGUST 

Fuck this audience. Or fuck half of them anyway. The half that walk out. Fuck that half. That half that walk out in drips and drabs from about 10-20 mins mark. Particularly fuck the ones that go later in the pack. At least the initial ones have the benefit of being in the vanguard of some ill-informed movement. At least they are pioneers in their own bad taste, there is a certain nobility to their action. Double fuck the later ones who follow like little sheep. Particularly those who, after giving them the opportunity to leave if they don’t like it, stay on for two more minutes just to maximise the damage when they do eventually leave. 

And fuck the man who goes “off to the toilet” and never comes back, leaving his partner on her own for the remainder of the gig. And fuck the woman who wasn’t even at the gig but came in at about the 45 minute mark to retrieve the woman who had been abandoned by her partner, apparently sent in by the toilet guy too cowardly to return to scene of the crime. 

And fuck two guys who almost stick it out to the bitter end but are offended by some innocuous criticism of Scotland, who can’t even handle a jibe at their own country without their entire sense of identity crumbling before their eyes. 

Then also fuck the people leave the gig but stand outside the curtain deliberately talking loudly to make it almost impossible for the audience to hear me over the mic. Then further fuck them who when asked to keep quiet deliberately scrape stools across the stone floor to create massive shrieks of noise.

And finally fuck me for having the stupidity to plough on with such a ridiculous charade rather than talking the whole gig down with me in a fit of self indulgence. Fuck me for salvaging what remained of a crippled wreck of a gig and limping home instead of storming out of my own gig and or the Fringe Festival and giving everyone a spectacle. 

I would also like to thank the half who stayed without whom the rest of the gig would not have been possible.  Thanks to those who remained despite everything, especially when the cascade of leavers threatened to turn into a torrent. A special thanks are in order to the two American gentlemen who entered the gig at around the half way mark and, blissfully unaware of the previous carnage, go on to throughly enjoy the show: thus providing a model for all future audience behaviour.  

I would also like to pay tribute to anyone who may have been in the audience and has never been at a comedy gig before and will probably never go to one again. That is all I have to say about today’s show.