Show Report Saturday 9th February 2013,
Dorchester.
Before Gig
This gig has barriers on the stage. I mean on the side and
back of the stage. Actual metal barricades. This is not normal. There is a gap
between the edge of the stage and the walls and for health and safety reasons,
barriers have been erected. Can’t they simply continue the stage till it meets
the wall and eliminate the gap? Or can we please take the risk? How about
that? Isn’t not falling off a
stage part of my stagecraft? Live performance is supposed to be risky – that’s
its attraction. Here’s the deal. You don’t have barriers and I won’t fall off
stage. What idiots have they had down here who plummeted off the edge? A stage
should look elegant while promising danger. This stage looks clunky while
promising safety. These metal railings make me feel like I’m performing in a
giant hospital bed. The audience will probably treat me like a comedy invalid.
“Oh he needs barriers to stop him doing himself an injury.” They won’t
consciously think that, they’ll subconsciously think it. Consciously they’ll
just under appreciate me and not know why.
I decide to definitely reference the metal barriers when I
go onstage. I have played this gig before. I remember the metal barriers from
the last time. But did I comment on it the last time I was here? And will they
remember? More importantly does every comedian who plays this gig comment upon
the barriers? Are the barriers a hack topic? Am I hack?
Then again most of the audience probably don’t go to other
comedy clubs. Barriers on stage won’t strike them as weird. Perhaps it will be
too obscure to mention.? Maybe it will be original? Will they say. This is the
most original guy ever? OR will they think “Oh not again.” Or will they just
not get it “Why would anybody comment on barriers. Does this guy even have an
act?” I don’t know!
I need to think about what material I’m going to do during my act. But I
can’t think about anything apart from the barriers. I’m pretty sure they are
not important. But people like local references, they love them. They can’t get
enough of local references and you can’t get more local than the place I am
currently standing. Do it. The compere opens the show. He doesn’t mention
barriers once so it’s all systems go.
I decide I will tackle the issue. Watch this.
During Gig
There is a warm reaction as I take to the stage. If I were a
Starwars casualiy I would say the force is with me. I’m not so lets just say I
think the barriers stuff is a good idea. “Good Evening and can I just thank you
all for these metal barriers. Most venues don’t have them. They leave you to
work out where the edge of the stage is.” - Nothing. “If you are going to have
them at least have them on the front too for consistences sake.” - Nothing. I
knew this would be a bad idea. They aren’t interested. Why did I ever think it would work?
They’ve heard it all a thousand times before. Or they’ve never heard it but
still aren’t interested, one of the two. I guess I better close this barrier section
down and move onto material. So I attempt to bring the whole shambles to a
close. Get out of this ill-advised ad lib situation with a shred of dignity and
move onto other topics. As I
finally bring this section to a close it starts to get laughter. Titters at
first. A few at the back and then slowly building forward. Now more, it’s getting more. I don’t
believe this. I want to stop
talking about the barriers and now and the audience are starting to get into it
like some Johnny-come-latelies. May I just say this is typical of audiences all
over. Their timing is all to cock. I couldn’t care less about this subject
matter now but suddenly they think this is a really good prospect. This
audience are like people who put all their money into the dot come bubble just
as the market was collapsing. I don’t like the way this adlib has gotten away
from me. It’s like these people are on a different wavelength. They had their
chance and they didn’t take it. There is no point getting all mysty eyed about
the barrier material now. I wanted to take them there when it was all new and
cutting edge.
Now that I have bored of an idea my audience are finally
warming to it. They will now be confused and slightly hurt when I move onto
something else. They will think “yeah but what about the barriers? We want more
about the barriers. We don’t give a shit about your new stuff.” I know how
David Bowie must have felt in the 70s. Maybe I should just live in Berlin? No –
that would be hack now.
I kill the barrier stuff. Why not? I’m incharge. I do the
rest of my set which is about 25 minutes of stand up. It builds and by the end
I am very happy with it. It is largely plain sailing although at one point I
become confused and think that Dorchester is a county instead of a town (I am
thinking of Dorset). At another point I discover that Dorset has local biscuits called “knobs”. This
causes further confusion. I think they are calling me a “knob”. Maybe they are?
Maybe it is a fail safe insult that would look perfectly innocent before a court of law.
After Gig.
I may have been too concerned with the barrier situation.
The rest of the gig was a joy and it built nicely. I did well at this gig.
Unfortunately so did all the other acts, making it hard for me to stand out.
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