New - Leicester Square - 8th March 2013

Leicester Square London.

Gig Friday 8th March 2013

Before Gig

They are all midwives. There is a group of about ten lads from Essex.

They're sitting in the second row and they all claim to be midwives.

Occasionally they shout out “Midwife” randomly and for no apparent

reason. They have a little midwife song... well more akin to a

football chant but with inferior lyrics. The chant only has one word:

“midwife”. Sometimes they shout midwife and sometimes they chant

midwife. You never know what’s coming next a chant or a shout.

Sometimes they shout midwife when they are happy with something,

sometimes they shout midwife when they are unhappy with something. As

a from of communication it has its limitations. But these midwives

seem happy. So much for poor morale in the NHS.

I don’t think they are midwives at all. I suspect they have given a

fictitious career when prompted by the compere's “What do you do for a

living?” We are seeing a lot of this in comedy clubs now. Audience

members offering up bogus jobs. It has become a bit of an epidemic.

Every gig I go to now, at least one audience member, when asked for

their job, will respond with a made up occupation: “Football

Consultant”, “Reserve Stuntman” “Shire Horse Investigator”, “The Stig

from Topgear”... it goes on. They’ve all started doing it now. I can’t

say I blame them. How would you like it? Minding your own business,

sitting in the front row of a comedy club, out for a nice night out,

trying desperately to forget the job that you hate, trying to put all

the misery to one side for a few blissful hours  and then you are

confronted with “What do you do for a living?” Surely a better

answer is “keeping the wheels of the economy turning so that you, you

decadent, lazy, never-up-before-midday, cereal-munching,  Playstation-3 playing, three-times-divorced, comedian arsehole can play at

'entertainment'” - or something like that.

I am on next and obviously I am thinking that these guys could be a

handful. But what is worrying me is that they didn’t say gynecologist.

For some reason that would seem the obvious choice if you wanted to go

down that route. I’m sure these guys would find gynaecologist

absolutely hilarious (sorry to judge). Midwife seems almost whimsical

by comparison, sweet. Maybe they haven’t thought of gynaecologist

(worrying). Or maybe they have thought of it and have dismissed it as

too hackneyed (worrying). Maybe they anticipated various obvious

putdowns that could be deployed against gynecologist and they have

taken pre-emptive measures (worrying). All ten of then seem on board

with the midwife theme.  Maybe this is part of a master plan to

disrupt the gig (worrying). Maybe there is no plan and they are free

wheeling (really worrying).  Why no gynecologist?

During Gig

Unbeknown to me the midwives have split into two factions. There is a

main hub of midwives who are content to heckle in a more

traditional mainstream way. Shout out something, be put down, enjoy

being put down, indulge in a bit of banter, enjoy the show. But always

heckling so it doesn’t ruin a joke. These mainstream hecklers are

controlled by the alpha male of the group. But the alpha male isn’t

all powerful, for there is a breakaway faction of the midwives and they

have become radicalised. They are led by a dissident midwife, once

loyal to the alpha male but now on his own. He enjoys more limited

support. His faction is indulging in guerilla tactics. Hit and run

heckles. Heckles just at punchlines. Heckles out of time with the

performance. Heckles that fuck up the timing. But for now I don’t

realise they have broken off from the main hub. I think that so long as I

get the alpha male on board, I will control the whole group. I am

wrong, I won’t.

I start with a preemptive strike on the alpha male. I don’t think

there is any point waiting for him to pipe up.  Something along the

lines of “imagine being born and the first thing you see is one of

these guys, you’d be want to be put in, etc.” This gets the mainstream

midwives on board. They will continue to heckle and interrupt but

always in a good willed manner. They want the gig to go well, they just

want to be involved. They know the rules. They will continue to

interrupt but will also be the most vocal supporters of the show.

I can’t remember all the interruptions, they are too numerous to

recall. I know that I have to bail on at least four main punchlines at

the end of routines. There are times when a heckle comes too close to

a punchline for you to go back and build up to it again. I just have

to abandon it and move on. Does this seem strange for the audience?

Sections with no conclusion and then onto something else? Perhaps they

don’t even notice? This gig is now more about the ramshackle spirit

than any technical finesse.

Then I am talking about Greggs the Bakers except I don’t think I have

mentioned Greggs the Bakers in the set up. The punchline relates to

meal deals but it won’t make much sense without the audience knowing

we are talking about Greggs The Bakers. Did I mention Greggs the

Bakers?  There was a bit of rapid fire from the Radicalised Midwife

Guerillas.  Some piece of heckling and I lose the place in my mind.

Where did I get to in the routine before I had to stop and deal with

this latest fire fight? I have no idea. Sometimes I momentarily forget

but the information is in my brain somewhere, I only have to dig deep

enough.  But this information just isn’t there. I did mention Greggs

the Bakers. No I didn’t. I must have. I’m pretty sure I didn’t.  But

it’s academic now. I am already heading towards the punchline with ill

deserved confidence. As I get to the punchline, I know I didn’t set it

up properly. Suddenly I'm on the cusp of the punchline and the clouds

clear and I remember I didn’t set it up. Whoops.  I know at that

moment that the punchline isn’t going to make any sense. But it’s too

late. I am committed. I just have to say the punchline and hope for the

best. I deliver the punchline and I suppose I feel like Evil Knievel

would have at the moment his motorcycle left the ramp, the moment he

was in the air and he was unsure if he could clear all the double

deckers. There is a momentary pause. And then the punchline lands. It

gets a strong reception, as good as any in my set. It didn’t make any

sense and they liked it. That is pretty much indicative of this gig.

Technical finesse is out the window and gladiatorial spirit is all the

rage. That actuality of set up and punchlines is largely immaterial.

What matters is chutzpah. The guerilla faction are a running sore and

it is dawning on me that they aren’t taking orders from the central

hub. The alpha male is just another warlord with diminishing powers.

I now turn on the guerilla leader. Something along the lines of

wishing he had been abused by Jimmy Savile. I was talking about Jimmy

Savile at the time and believe me it was justified artistically but I

realize on paper it looks crass. There is large roar of approval from

the audience and a hint of about time too. I am done now.

After Gig

I leave the stage over running by about 5 minutes. I wonder if the

rebel forces will diminish or is this just an initial skirmish? I will

never know. I have to leave to go to another gig and so cannot stay

and watch the rest of the show. I enjoyed this immensely but felt

tested. I wonder if pockets of audience were confused by the half

finished routines and punchlines from nowhere? Or were they caught up

in the nonsense like the