Show Report Saturday 16th February 2013,
Downstairs at the Kings Head.
Before The Gig
There is a guy in the audience who I will later conclude is
coked out his head but for the moment he is merely a cunt with an attitude
problem. As a rule, I don’t get into fights with members of the audience. I
especially don’t like getting into fights with them before I go on stage. That really is the pits. Fighting
immediately prior to a performance can lead to arriving on stage dishevelled
and bleeding. Worse than that, I find that getting riled up before a show
releases bad chemicals in my brain and can lead to me throwing an otherwise
perfectly playable gig.
He is sitting near the back of the audience but he is
strategically placed. I have to walk past him in order to get from the “green
room” to the stage. I cannot avoid him. Furthermore, if I want to stand and
watch the other acts I am forced to stand next to him. I cannot avoid him. This
guy is like death and taxes.
It starts with a wine glass. A member of bar staff attempts
to clear away his wine glass and he isn’t having it. He aggressively rebuts
their attempt to clear it away. But that’s not the warning light. It’s his
monomania about the glass itself. He seems obsessively attached to it in some
odd way that spells trouble. I know then he is a sociopath. I just catch the
incident out of the wine glass corner of my eye and I think he may catch me
catching it out of the corner of his eye. Because now he is onto me. He is
trying to make eye contact. And maybe its my years of training as a Scotsman
but I instantly know he is spoiling for a fight. I try to avoid his eyes. But
he has those eyes like Renaissance paintings that seem to follow you around the
room. I would gladly swap this guy for a drunk right now. Please give me a
slumbering sluggish piss head. I could be five steps ahead of a piss head. But
this guy seems to have the cheat codes for my brain.
But I cannot avoid eye contact forever. I am about to step
on stage. If I avoid eye contact he’ll have won before I ever get to the mic.
So I look at him and it just wells of psychic disturbance. Now he is saying
something to me. Just ignore him
Stephen he is not worth it. “Excuse me, I didn’t catch that?” .He says
something else, some other throwing down of a gauntlet. Just ignore that
Stephen. I step closer “What?” “Oh
forget it!” he retorts in a way that means don’t forget it. I’m starting to
feel angry. Getting smashed in the face is the least of it, I can always write
about that in my blog. But if I lose my cool before I go on stage my gig is
done for. I am worried about absorbing his character traits through osmosis and
mimicking them on stage.
Maybe he is having a bad night? Maybe in his head he is
saying “You are the sunshine of my life” and it is coming out all wrong? Maybe he will go on to join the twelve
step programme and one day feel obliged to make amends by getting in touch and
apologising (God I hope not) I just decide not to further embroil myself in his
nonsense.
Mike Wozniak and Adam Hills have already had barnstorming
sets this evening and I have to follow close on the heels of Adam Hills. I am
aware that audiences can tire at the end of a good night of comedy. I am trying
to work out the best way to play the room but I am also trying to form a plan
if Coke Boy kicks off. I also wish to work in some new stuff into my dentist
routine and do a new bit about Stella Artois triple filtered beer.
There are some nights I do not feel like a comedian before I
go on stage. There are some nights I feel simply like a man in jeans and a suit
jacket. Tonight is such a night.
During Gig.
The audience is there right from the start. Responsive,
energetic etc. I couldn’t ask for more from them. It sometimes surprises me
that audiences laugh at my routines and I have to remind myself that they
haven’t heard them before. I have
played this room many times and feel really at home in it. The memory of that
is now counteracting the Coke Boy.
When I do the routine about the alcohol content of beer I
slip in the new stuff about Stella Artois but it is underwhelming and this
routine – often the best part of the set – fails to catch fire. Bizarrely it
ends on a bit of a damp squib I can’t quite work out why
Time is tight. I think that means I must be enjoying
it? I have gotten through more of
the allotted time than I had intended to. There is other material I want to do
but I may have to cut. I do the routine about sex for the first time. I have
never ended on this routine before but it gets a strong laugh at the end and I
just decide to go. And that’s it I go. Instantaneous. I don’t know if it seemed
abrupt, it felt abrupt to me. But it felt good just to go on a high and just
leave suddenly.
After Gig
I do feel strangely anti climatic when I leave the stage. I
have this nagging feeling I could have made more of it all.
I worked out why the 5% alcohol in beer bit didn’t work as
well as I’d hoped. I missed out a section that had about five punchlines in
quick succession. I missed out the culmination of that routine or as I like to
call it the best bit. Oh well.
This happens more than I would care to admit I sometimes miss out punchlines.
How can I forget punchlines? Well apparently I can. A bit of my brain was
distracted either by the Coke Boy or the new material.
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